#WAX
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Today was a nice day. I even read. The football match went great, and the sales went up because of it. People were in a good mood. The sun was warm. Tomorrow afternoon i have a midterm for which I’m not even remotely prepared for, but I have no option except to go. There’s another midterm on Friday, same story. I keep just… Sleeping. Tossing. Sitting looking at the grass. Looking at the cars. Looking at where my neighbour’s tree used to be. Posting nonsense for the sake of writing something, anything at all. It feels like, if not for writing these derailments, I’d say nothing at all. Days can pass without talking. I could say “hm’s” and “yeah’s” and “aha’s” for a month, and no one would notice, or wouldn’t care enough to bring it up. I talk nonsense to my dogs and cats, without any real intention behind it. I don’t even speak with my mom anymore, as our society is pretty much broken with me technically off the business. It’s kind of curious to realise that was truly all we talked about, for 5 years now. “The bread’s not too good today” “my mayo sucks, i beat it too much” “nice weather, we’ll have more clients today” “the ham is starting to go bad” “have you boiled the eggs?”. Sure, i hold conversations at university –though i haven’t been going– but it’s not that much. It’s easily disposable. It’s enjoyable, i just… Don’t care. I don’t feel any apprehension or negative feelings towards this lack of language exchange. It just feels like a muscle i ought to use at least somehow, so i exercise it here. I feel no need to talk, i feel no need for response, i feel no want from anybody in my proximity. I’ve felt so let down up until this point in my life. I keep looking back to the past as if i were in the end of my days. I recall childhood, i recall adolescence, i recall my earliest adulthood– and all i see is reaching out and getting my fingertips burned. I see a girl that was so anxious, so nervous, so eager and hopeful for nothing. There’s nothing there. There’s no one there. Mom is not there. Dad is not there. S is not there. S2 is not there. A1 is not there. V is not there. T is not there. They’re all just… Living. I’m long past resenting. I’m long past envy. I felt so much envy and resentment, painfully, humiliating, belittling envy and shame. What for? I don’t know. Everyone deserves happiness and success, especially if they’re well-deserving of it. I was born merely different, and I’m meant for different things. I’m meant to be a pillar. Candle wax. Drip and feed, drip and feed… Until your time has run out and you’re allowed to put off the burning flame. I was born just to hold on, to observe, to wait, to be quiet. Just a filler role in this mechanical and repetitive existence, in this dirty clock with blurry numbers and pointy fingers. It’s… Okay. It’s alright. I’m done with escalating. I’m done with hopelessness. I’m done with frustration. Whatever happens, it’s just fine.
Update Wax Apportionment, So I went in expecting it to hurt more and ready to pretend it’s all good but it wasn’t as bad as last time. Like the one part that usually hurts the most was still more sensitive then usually but it just didn’t hurt as bad which was nice cause really feeling like your skin is on fire and you need to douse it because of the pain isn’t a lovely feeling even for someone that likes fire and pain at times. ~ Also I don’t know if it’s just trying to keep me as regular client but we were talking a little as usual, and she mentioned missing going to gym because of running late so then I shared how I do at home workouts and trails. Apparently she doesn’t do at home workouts because she finds it hard to find motivation like same girl, so she wasn’t a gym girlie but her friend introduced her to it and showed her how to do stuff so now it’s become something she does and she mentioned she’d achieved her goal weight that way. ~ She’s gorgeous, obviously but like tall, tan, platinum blonde lots of tattoos and fit like she could be on sports illustrated or some fitness model magazine. Anyways she offered to show me around the gym sometime or go with me if I wanted which yeah sounds great cause honestly I kinda need a workout buddy or trainer to help me stay motivated and make sure I stick to schedule. ~ It’s just like I don’t know if she suggesting it because she goes there with her friend and she’s trying to recruit new membership because she mentioned the gym had only been open for a year or like is this how adults make friends? Would she even want to be friends because like I’m pretty boring and the most I have that’s interesting I guess is like my fashion sense. ~ I would probably wear sweatpants and t shirt to workout in but like if I am going with her, I’d feel like I’d have to dress up a little maybe wear some athletic tennis or pickle ball type skirt to workout in along with t shirt or cami workout top. ~ She told me I was cute, when we were talking about swimming and I mentioned how I don’t really do full length laps because sometimes I get tired out half way or towards end and I’m not the best swimmer so I tend to stay in shallow end where I can reach along with the fact one time I swam the length but then had to inch along on wall til got back where I could touch. ~ So I checked out the gym she had mentioned and they sound like some complex for super serious athletes. I do like the fact it’s key card access only and it’s nice that they do have personal trainers. It mentioned they encourage members to bring guests so like maybe that’s why she invited me? It didn’t list cost of membership on site or how much additional cost it would be to have session with personal trainer. It did mention not to monopolize equipment, or improperly use equipment and that they don’t allow video recordings for like influencers to post their routine. ~ I guess my main concern is it’ll be high cost and like apparently they can revoke membership if they feel you are breaking any of the rules or being a disruptive to others in the gym. ~ It does say it’s open 24/7 with set staff hours. So I feel like maybe you could go after staff hours and get potential solo time in gym by self but I’m not sure. ~ I do know it feels very intimidating at least from how they worded everything on their site. It’s not like planet fitness is my first choice cause it’s not but they do offer cheap rates and have lots of locations so finding a gym anywhere is pretty much an option with them. ~ I suppose I could go and check it out, just once to see but it seems like pretty intimidating like it’s a gym for serious gym workout people not ones that workout because you know that’s what your supposed to do and don’t get super happy from workouts. ~
dear diary, I can’t believe I did this to myself, it’s like signing up for torture and not like oh it’ll hurt but you’ll get off on it type of fun thing to read about in books. ~ The last waxing appointment was more painful than usual this I learned during the appointment was because one week before and one week after period your more sensitive. So after that horrible experience which made me want to cry, I was holding back from crying but inside my head I was screaming and crying meanwhile outside I was focused on trying to breathe. ~ I realized I would need to avoid that in the future, would much rather enjoy it as being relaxing instead of super painful not to mention the recovery time after was way worse too because of it being more sensitive. ~ Yet when I got notification of my upcoming appointment, I thought nothing of it and then realized wait, I better double check this and I did just a few days later because got distracted. ~ It was 8 days last time, like 8 days after my last day of my period that it had been too sensitive. Now I can’t reschedule cause I’d have to pay cancellation fee on top of full price of the Brazilian so I guess I’ll just have to suffer through it. ~ It’s been less than 8 days and so I feel like I am going to have the same experience all over again, not thrilling to think about now I can try to pretend that it won’t hurt extra and I can try to force myself to try to get off on the extra pain but I’m not sure if I really can. ~ I was so looking forward to the warm wax being relaxing and now oh this just sucks. I also for some dumb reason momentarily forget that hey you can’t wear cute sexy panties to appointment or after for few days during recovery which this would be an extended recovery if it’s as sensitive as it was last time, (mentally I’m pouting) ~ I got all excited about wearing cute fruit print lingerie, well really just cute panties and bra….. Instead I’ll have to wait even longer before can wear them and I’m so stupid, I should have just worn them that one day it’s just I wasn’t wearing anything cute and wanted to save it for a cute outfit like the little dresses or skirts that I wear when getting waxed. In this case my favorite yellow sundress. ~ I’ll survive I am just not in a good mood, stupid stupid skin and hormones like why do you have to do this to me, I am not bleeding anymore so how about you don’t let yourself feel extra sensitive when hot wax strips are ripped away huh…. ~ Not to mention I can’t even enjoy the day leisurely after because workday and all. ~ I don’t mind isolation and avoiding people, well sometimes it gets to me and I get all restless and then get annoyed when plans in my head for things don’t end up happening. ~ I know I write here but I also have an actual notebook that I journal into which means some entries stay there forever and will not end up here. I usually after filling up a notebook let it sit for awhile before eventually combining through it and getting rid of it by tossing it or burning pages cause I like fire it’s pretty ~ Also like why keep notebooks full of my random thoughts or drawings, they aren’t good enough artwork to frame and no one would find it interesting to read, it’s not like Anne Frank’s diary or anything. ~ So I get rid of it and then usually purchase a new one, this time I don’t know I guess I am feeling sentimental over a few well written entries and drawings that I don’t want to just burn it all or toss it but really what’s the point of keeping stuff like that. ~ Sometimes I think about leaving pages randomly like folded into a libary book or on a bench, or other places like that for random person to find and maybe read. But I don’t because I don’t think anyone would find them and they’d probably get tossed into bin or blown by wind become litter which isn’t what I’d want. ~ Even if they got read, whose to say anyone would care or like what was read and even if they did, this isn’t some novel and I’m not character in a novel. ~ I struggle because isn’t it all a waste, a waste of time, of resources cause just repeating the same process, wouldn’t it be better to not purchase notebooks and let someone else who is a writer or has better use for notebook do so ? Shouldn’t I be more productive with my time and hobbies, and if doing hobbies, maybe I should consider ones that are productive or are recognized as having value ? It’s just I don’t enjoy say running marathons, or cooking meals, or ocd level cleaning or jigsaw puzzles, or knitting etc ~ Hobbies ones finds others doing that are considered to have value, sure photography could be in that category but I am not an expert photographer and I rarely color because I can’t relax enough to stop being so judgementally critical to myself about enjoying it, same with painting, which when I can relax and allow myself to enjoy it, I found it to be calming and peaceful ~ The problem is after, after I’ve colored or after I’ve painted because again it is not perfected enough to be something worthy of hanging as display on wall. ~ See what overthinking and anxiety get you…. Nothing but stress which cause tension in neck and shoulders, then headaches and acne breakouts. ~ Mediation is what everyone will tell you, yeah try that when your mind is racing a million miles a minute, sure more time to think about how you should be relaxing and instead that just gets added on as you can’t even do this simple thing ~ Meditation may work for some but not for someone like me that is already spending so much time in her head ~ This reminds me of that scene in a book I read where the character had sex while the other was knocked out asleep, I mean in one way it’s romantic and sweet, to be made love too while asleep, waking up to someone that just couldn’t resist your body or not being in you. ~ Also it’s like sure knock me unconscious so I can get some good rest or just be without all the anxiety and thinking, my body can respond to pleasure or pain or both without me stopping myself because it feels too intense or because I am worried about how I might respond because it’s all an unknown variable. ~
Ughh so I was rly over(whelmed/stimulated idk at this point) and I had to do laundry and my mom kept saying random stuff to me and then I had to touch the laundry that was wet and hot and it made it worse But then my sister came in to do it for me and that was good and then she found 2 of my dollars in there and handed it to me AND IT CRUNCHED LIKE THOSE WAX VIDEO AIDJWJIGKGNB that was so nice I just stood there for like 5 minutes crunching it before my sister said that we should go to the living room IT WAS CRUNCHY THOOO AHHHHHHH >X3
Planet-like marbled sealing wax [Image ID: four gifs of someone creating a patterned wax seal. In gif one they melt wax beads in a melting spoon on top of a burner, the beads are shaped like flowers and are colored different pinks, yellows and white. In gif two they pour the melted swirled wax onto a surface. In gif three they use a stamp to press the wax. In gif four they lift the stamp to reveal a floral and moon design in the wax seal.]
ok Follow Up on the wax story. I bought the pound of wax. reminded me of how i used to chew on wax like it was chewing gum when i was younger. i wasnt poor or anything i just did that. anyways i tried to see if i could fit an entire pound of wax in my mouth and turns out i cant. however if i wire it through my throat and nose i can. so like. in my upper respiratory system. Sick shit. Awesome. anyways my nose feels strangely slootth
Visit of museum of wax History Founded in 1974, the puppets is making and gift by the Grevin museum of Paris. The visit is realized with audio-description on the four floors.
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