#tired

Literally me right now #peoplesucksohardyouknow

Man, that was a goodnight. Now, its a fine morning. I just dont wanna go to school

Another thing to get over…

01:01

23:23

I hate interacting with fandom spaces because characters I relate to are actively hated for being “annoying” or “loud” or “to mean”. Basically there hated for being women who don’t act feminine enough. They get in the way of the main ship or arnt conventionally attractive so there villanized for there flaws. It makes me hate these people because they hate me without even knowing me, they see these bright beautiful girls and tear them down for what there not. It’s so gross why can’t people just not interact with things they dislike anymore, I see more hate for characters I like then love for them despite them not doing anything wrong/ nothing worse than something a man does within the same show. I just feel so tired because is even in the fantasies I escape into women are held to impossible expectations while men can commit murder or rape and still be beloved. Its just so exhausting

Who said I could be this eepy. Why am I this tored. Wake up girl, you slept for fucking 10 hours already.

So I have a guitar lesson in half an hour and then I have the scouts one problem I want to sleepppppppppp I’m so fucking tired and don’t get me wrong I love my guitar lesson and I love getting to see my friends at the scouts but holy shit I don’t know how I’m about to get through the next three and a half hours

“There’s a fuckin hole in my soul and it’s slowly and painfully ripping me apart….I don’t know what to do…”

I killed the moth Pros: no more moth and no more panic attack Cons: I feel like shit because I murdered someone’s baby so I still can’t fall asleep

Pulled an all nighter doing my final math exam. I got a singular hour of sleep at 5:00am. We stay grinding.

Art collab on mamga @razzelberries (5/5)

ommggggggg send energyyyyyy i am exhaaaaaausteeeeedddd D:

i’m just so fucking angry and depressed i made a new blog just for (dark) rant but i think i’ll post more ranting here too because i’m just so fucking tired of everything and i just can’t be alone in that

I’m so tired of being tired

i wish i could go abt my days without feeling tired all the time

It would take a woman of such high faith,such conviction of anointing to bring me back this time,or maybe it will just me this time. All other’s have failed,but if I was favored I’d ask God to make her tell me the truth,in the purest way possible. I’d ask God to grant me the ability of calmness and to hear things as she’s actually meaning them not just how interpret them.

Me and my dad woke up early. Time feels like it’s moving slowly now. Really slowly. I’m feeling bored and sleepy and everything now. I guess this is the price I pay for waking up at 5 am so often. I was pacing earlier, and I got sweaty. I got sweaty again, which indicates to me that I’m suffering heat sensitivity again. I hate how hot I can get. It’s annoying. Really, really freaking annoying. But I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be fine. sigh…

I’ve spent thousands of hours trying to compose the right words to describe my emotions, but never do I just sit down and simply feel. Here we go. My first relationship was with a 20 year old when I had just turned 17. She needed someone she could rely on and I wanted anyone that would love me. My entire life I’ve felt invisible. Like what I make, say, or do isn’t important. So being able to save someone became my way to be needed. As a child my mother would constantly tell me these horrific stories from her past and ask for my advice. She needed a parent, not a child so I did everything I could to become that for her. I can give guidance, I can give advice, and I can even give love. What I can’t give is intimacy. There is nothing underneath my need to serve others. I can’t just randomly send memes or start a casual conversation. If someone doesn’t need me, I’m not here. It becomes off putting. I don’t join game nights. I’m never present in the moment. I’m taking in information. I’m cataloging everything in case it’s important. I’m broken. I pretend to be okay but I’m not. You know in high school I nearly killed myself and nobody knew. I was going to slit my neck but then I heard this strange voice as clear as day yell at me not too. Sometimes I have flashbacks to that. Or when I was assaulted. Nothing makes it better. I know I can’t undo the past but why am I incapable of paving a future worth living for? How do I look in the mirror after 2 years of being faceless?

Taking all of my period pain and projecting it on Monkey D Dragon to cope.