#personal vent

Been single for a week now, my body craves for another body. Agh I’m gonna die alone lol

I can’t bring myself to cry, like even after everything that’s happened to me in the last year i can’t bring myself to care about anything that happens to me. My emotional maturity defines my self worth and recently that means being extremely blunt. Just stone wall everyone and everything so no one thinks I’m anything but okay. I think back to when I was younger and would cry every night, wishing things would get better. But now it’s like I just get to sit here with nothing. I can’t cry or even begin to pity myself. I wasted my tears on nothing when i was 13-16 trying to dig myself deeper into a depressive episode, and now Im here feeling who knows what. I’m just mad confused. I always thought posting about myself was cringe and lame, but that’s exactly what the problem is. I don’t like telling people about how I feel because every time I opened up as a kid id be shot down and told to get it together. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up in a hispanic household. Emotions are burdens, don’t feel. That’s all I know. I would hide my feelings from my mother, I’d pretend i wasn’t hurting myself, i’d try not to be too loud while also being too loud hoping someone might notice i wasn’t doing well. So, for friends and followers, whether you know me from TikTok or @s1lverwr1tes — I’m not just a gooner theyfailure chud who writes extremely freaky shit about my favorite character. Although i’d argue that’s exactly what I am because I feel nothing else except the need to write more filthy garbage. Which I am doing now, I just had to take a break to tell you how I feel. tnx 🫶🏼

Sometimes, I have friends that tell me, “life is too hard.” I know. It’s hard for me too. But, I know how difficult it’s been for you and in comparison, my life seems easy. I know we shouldn’t compare, so I don’t. But then, how else can I find a way to sympathise with you? My friends have told me that they want to die. That I have other friends and wouldn’t need them. That their lives are so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. They ask me to realize that I don’t need them. They ask me to remember it won’t be my fault if they die. … Yet, all I can think of is an old, lonely woman sitting on her porch rocking her chair back and forth. She’s nearing eighty, maybe ninety years old. She’s lived a fulfilling life. He children have grown up and moved away, visiting every few months. But she’s lonely. Lonely because every friend she had is already long gone. They died young after all. Younger than she. … Please don’t let that woman be me .

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TW FOR SH. (Old ish art from earlier this year) No matter how many times i draw myself i still can’t see me It’s no different than drawing a stranger

Sometimes it’s those small passive comments that just piss you the fuck off and make you feel like a pos

!!TW!! !!VENT!! !!TW!! (TW for: SH, Su1cidal thoughts, depression, mentions of a horribly ignorant to her problems mother, thoughts of self mutilation) Genuinely what is my problem. I’m so tired of being so utterly miserable. I’m so tired of being useless. For being a MINOR, barely out of middle school, I genuinely can’t do this anymore. I can’t deal with this crippling adhd that makes remembering assignments so damn difficult. I want to have problems and not feel guilty about feeling sad just because i have “privilege”. I feel so so disgusting for wanting to kms because I have an ok family life, a roof over my head running water foood, the fact I have even the ability to get chunky. It’s embarrassing. I want to carve my fat with a steak knife just to feel what’s it’s like to starve. I want to have nothing because having anything feels entitled. I hate being so mature. I wish I could have had a childhood. Now I’m stuck down the path of being wiser than my years young and childish as an adult. I want to hurt myself and the only good reason I have is that I just don’t like feeling.. ok. I drink as much caffeine as I want because I’d rather die of a heart attack because of caffeine than a heart attack because of my diet. I wish I could be better. But a part of me doesnt want to get better. A part of me wants to hang myself in the middle of the school parking lot just to force people to notice me. I just want to be the first choice. God I hate this… I hate this so much. My mom was talking about the cruise we took and all I could think about is the amount of times I cried on that damn trip. The time she slapped her thirteen year old’s ass because he was distracted in the middle of public. Someone, god please, anyone… I wanna go home.

Never mind- praise to his obsession hes been sending me so many voice messages bc of this

Crazy how all I said to my parents was “Don’t give unsolicited advice about my disabilities” and it turned into a whole argument ending with my mom saying she doesn’t care about me anymore. Also realized that my mom calling any display of emotion a “nervous breakdown” did not help my emotional regulation growing up. But I called my cousin to vent and she confirmed my mom doesn’t know how to communicate and hates being wrong

our dad is the best to ever do it. tried to comfort us after we didn’t do what he wanted us to do, implied that we’re gross twice, when we told him that we don’t like being called gross he said he never said we’re gross (he did). then mansplained about depressive cycles and compared it to somebody (his words) ‘eating their feelings’. and then told us to not fall into cycles like how can one man be so oblivious to his ableism + fatphobia. but then we remember this guy was in the army so that makes it all click

TW SUICIDE MENTION. Hello, darlings! I may just fucking kill my self when that Internet ban takes place in the UK, so apologies in advance! Haha. If only I had any other safe place to talk, be myself, and genuinely feel okay other than the internet, am I right? People on the Internet adore me! But people I know in real life? Oh, I hope they fucking die a horrible death! Bet you will not call me stupid, fat, or idiotic anymore when you find me dead on the floor, parents! But that is okay! I can forgive! If i really do it.

i miss my dad and wish he was a good person

I wanna tell someone why I don’t call this girl my best friend anymore but I have no one to tell so I’m spilling it all here Enjoy! So I’ve been friends with this girl since like September ish 2024 and we hung out a lot and sat together in every class we’ll call her N So a random ass Tuesday she starts hanging out with my other friend we’ll call her V and I’m like great So they created a group on tiktok with us 3 and it was great then all of a sudden they both left and I’m like huh that’s weird and anyway Next day at school they sat together in class while I was third Wheeling (will Byers mentioned) and I was sitting on the desk next to them and they were talking about something and laughing and my curiosity peeped in and I asked what they were talking about and they were like,, It’s nothing, you wouldn’t get it" and I was like hah okay And then at lunch I asked where they were going and they said “Hold up we’ll talk later” and basically ran away. So I’m like wow okay very nice of you and then at biology class a girl that N was talking shit about to me like a few weeks ago sat behind them and they were all laughing and when biology ended I asked N why she was talking with her “ Weren’t you guys arguing last week” and she was like oh yeah we made up Crazy right? And so one day N wasn’t feeling well and V asked me if I could go with her for lunch and I was rushing to meet a friend and I said “ sorry I can’t, go with N” and me and my other friend ran out as we went to meet another friend. And so okay and PE class came and we were in the changing room and N comes up to me “ I feel like you have a problem with me” and I was like idk what you’re talking about and she said that part when I told V “can’t, go with N” and I was like “I was rushing somewhere and you guys are always together so I figured you would go with her so yeah” and she’s like okay… Later when we had a 5 minute break between class N pulled me aside again and she was like “I feel like you have a problem with me” again and I’m like I don’t it’s just that we don’t talk anymore (like we used to dooo) and she was like “that doesn’t mean we have to have beef” and I was like I never said we had beef and she just walked away

….there’s something wrong with me…

I RETRACT MY PREVIOUS STATEMENT

Lowkey almost ended our shittt, got into an argument about the body’s mom and got so stressed our legs almost gave out. But of course all that matters is not stressing our mom out -Ben

Never mind they’ve got it worse than me rn

js told someone i dont want to be friends with them anymore haha.. totally not about to cry right now bc this is gonna fuck up my friend group… haha… yaaaayyyy….

been feeling odd about certain people

im doing alright, but this is such a fragile state to me. because of my bpd i cant see too far or judge the situation clearly. when its good its good and everytime it was bad i was just overreacting. when its bad its awful and i need to kms to save everybody, myself included, the shame of me walking this planet. im saying this to tell that you, or i, cant trust my words, im not seeing the full picture. i never will. thats my biggest flaw and advantage. i may come off as insincere in some cases, but my brain genuinely functions wonky and i cant have any control over it. bpd is a curse like no other and at the same time its a blessing, because i get to love people the way nobody else could and mean it from the bottom of my heart.