#bipolardepression

So as some of you may know, I completely stopped all treatment for my bipolar disorder 6 months ago. It’s been pretty dysfunctional but nothing I’m not used to. However, when thinking about possible starting treatment again, I want to start injectables for my bipolar disorder.

I feel a bit more like myself today. I’ve been making a commitment to actually making myself breakfast and it’s been nice. I’m out at a cafe having lunch and it’s good to get out of the house. One thing that’s come from all of this is being forced to be comfortable with myself. I used to have this sense of loneliness that just wouldn’t go away whenever I was alone. I was just longing to distract myself from my thoughts. The neighbour who threatened to unalive me is moving out on Thursday. I’m really nervous he’s going to do something before he is evicted. I’ve contemplated writing a letter to his family telling them how it has impacted us. I’m worried they’re just going to move him into another apartment with no supports and it will happen again. He is clearly not well, and that’s something coming from me. My only option is to focus on myself and keep living my life. I’m so worried about going back to work but I’m trying to take it one step at a time.

This must be the most transcendent song ever(to me) I remember this song playing in my headphones a few years ago while I was high and crying like a baby.

Today has been difficult. I ran out of some of my meds and I’m feeling a bit irritable and tired. I just want to stay in bed all day and sleep. I’m trying to be gentle to myself because I have made progress this week.

I keep seeing anti-medication influencers on my Facebook. It really upsets me. Do they know how irresponsible they are being? Mental illness is as physical as breaking your leg. Therapy helps, but you can’t just think your way out of it. Convincing people it’s a “lifestyle” or that it’s not real is just stigmatizing and isolating.

its so weird being back after months away. i’ll probably be ignored on this account too though.

Progress isn’t linear. Today I am so tired. I went out for brunch and then just collapsed into bed. I think part of it is I ran out of some of my meds. I need to go get them but I don’t have the energy. When I was feeling a little better yesterday I committed to hanging out with my friends and I had to cancel on them. They’re understanding but I feel like a bad person for it. I just want to be better. I want to feel stable. I don’t want to feel so depressed and burnt out. I feel so stuck in this body and in this brain. I just have to hang on.

Me… getting ready to visit my family.

Killer Refrigerators.

me: omg im so lonely everyone hates me I hate it here also fucking me: ignoring 12 texts because every response I can think of seems annoying and also I’m fat so nobody wants to hear from me anyway

i feel completely out of control and that ive never been anything consistent my whole life i dont know what to do anymore

TW: $H mention I added a few more ‘lines’ to my thigh. Honestly, it’s not even an emotion thing tonight, but it just felt right. Sometimes I feel crazy for feeling this way about getting hurt; other times I feel safe in my routine. I can’t seem to brush my teeth sometimes, but when I relapse I can keep that routine. One day I’ll have a different routine. I’ll be making chore charts for my daughter. I want to protect my future baby so much. They’ll never know the sadness I feel now.

honestly tho

I think I’m slipping again. I’m upset because I should be better by now but today I feel really bad. I’m thinking I don’t want to be here again. I know it’s not really a solution though. I just want to sleep.

So, I recently took some of the antipsychotics I have laying around (don’t recommend doing) as I was going into an extreme psychotic episode after a couple weeks in a manic episode. I’m someone who knows they need medication to function with whatever disorder (may need retesting) I have. it sucks that my old therapist and psychiatrist (they worked together — you could get one without the other) would dangle the meds in my face. Like I can’t afford intensive outpatient treatment, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be medicated. The all or nothing mindset is so harmful.

i really thought i was fixed this time! my sleep schedule was normal and people were less mean to me! which had to have meant i was better? nope. i hate that i felt correct. now im back to acting as if im not a crazy person

👅🫶✌️

Last week it took every ounce of my strength to get out of bed and move to the couch. Today I’m at a cafe sipping a dirty chai and doing my local crossword. I am so so thankful that I’m here. If you’re struggling right now remember there’s more than one way to stop the pain, even if your brain is telling you there isn’t. Reach out. I promise you the people who love you would rather have a world with you in it. You can get better.